Day Four : Death and Taxes

For half my life I've been plagued by the consequences of my own choices.

I'm almost 30, and I feel like I'm starting way too late on the road to "doing it right". My best friend pointed out that while I don't bitch about my problems, I do deflect/blame. Which is true.

I'm having one of those awkward, unpleasant times where you realize that you've made a very uncomfortable bed, and now you have to lay in it. So far my way of coping with this is being angry at myself. This does me no good whatsoever.

I could have done a better job of being responsible this year.
And honestly, trying to explain why I didn't just boils down to making excuses.

So, today my mood is pretty foul. Nobody likes to be wrong. This is me, shoving my nose in artwork until I get over it. Well, not before I make a post, because if I don't do it now I'll forget.

Self-improvement is something of a Holy Grail for me right now. I made a few New Years resolutions to that effect, and I think the hardest thing for me will be to stop beating myself up over bad decisions and instead focus on going forward.

That is so much more difficult than it sounds >_<

Would help if I wasn't so emotionally broken.
I let myself fall into a relationship where I was essentially turned into a clone. When I was with Robyn, I always had a side to take, and an opinion to have. It was us against the world. In the name of "progressive thinking", I was isolated from my friends, and eventually my family, over the course of about ten years. My willingness to love regardless of gender identity and religious beliefs was horribly abused, and used as a weapon against normality. I let myself become convinced that being normal was bad, that all forms of religion were bad, that being a fucntional member of society in any way was bad, because society was evil. There was always a reason why my way of thinking about these issues was flawed and in need of correcting. And my open mindedness was traded in for blind foolishness. I left the relationship being almost totally unable to function alone in society. Things most people can do without even thinking about it were terrifying to me, like talking to bank tellers or getting my drivers license renewed. Every stranger was a potential enemy. Even friends and family were enemies if they didn't agree with our lifestyle.

A decade of living like that is a lot to have to un-do.

Don't get me wrong. I've made a lot of progress in the year since I left - or so my friends tell me. Sometimes it really doesn't feel like it.
And I often feel like I should be able to fix myself overnight. I feel like a year is way too long. But from what everyone tells me, it can take much, much longer.

Really starting to understand why.